“Like A Woman Possessed”

I rarely watch this show, but I caught a glimpse of this dance by Alexa Penavega and her partner on Dancing with the Stars about her 6-year-long struggle with bulimia and it brought me to tears. One of the judges on the show commented after the performance that she “danced like a woman possessed,” which is fitting for the description of any eating disorder. Those who struggle with one are essentially possessed. Our thoughts, our emotions and our behavior are reigned by an irrational desire to control our bodies in order to achieve dangerous extremes. If you struggle with an eating disorder as I have and sometimes still do, this dance embodies the cruelty and pain of the illness, something that when we’re in the midst of it, we tend to forget. It’s a demon of sorts. A tyrant and a villain. And as Alexa tries to do in her dance, we need to fight to get away from its grasp. We need to keep fighting.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/news/a49062/alexa-penavega-eating-disorder-dance/

Destroy What Destroys You.

Tug-of-War

It’s a game of tug-of-war.

A part of me holds each end.

It’s a constant fight…

Between wanting to be seen or to hide.

To indulge or to restrict.

To act or to sleep.

To control or be controlled.

To be loved or to be left alone.

To live or to die.

The rope is taut.

Tensed.

Being pulled evenly from both sides.

If either team lets go…

The other will fall.

But both sides are me.

If either falls, I will feel the bruise.

My own head will hit the ground.

The scraped knee will sting my heart.

But the game has to end.

My strength wanes.

I now only have enough to pull a single side.

And the rope wears thin.

Eventually, it will break in the middle.

Frayed, unraveled, broken.

But a severed rope might set me free.

From this unending game.

Of tug-of-war.

Battle

We Are All Soldiers

Memorial (n.) – something established to remind people of a person or event.

Memorial Day was originally intended to honor those who have fought and lost their lives for their country and of course, they deserve that tribute. The United States are the “land of the free” because of the brave and we are forever thankful. My grandpa was a Navy man and I admire so much his loyalty to his country, his dedication to justice and equality for all. He was a good man and so many good men and women fight and have fought for our freedom. We are thankful to you, we honor you, we remember you.

But there are more soldiers in this world than those in the military. We all have battles that we fight, some of us every day. We fight for love, we fight for health, we fight for acceptance, we fight for our rights, we fight for others, we fight for ourselves. We live in a world where we often have to assert ourselves for others to pay attention to us, for others to see that we are just as important as anyone else. Some of us face greater discrimination and criticism to achieve that equality. Some of us are accepted but don’t feel that we belong. Whether our battle is with the government, with the bullies at school, with our employers, with our bodies, or with ourselves… We’re all fighting for the same thing: to live the life that we deserve. 

We are all soldiers.

Our armor is our assertiveness, our self-esteem, our self-preservation, our support systems, our experiences, our hope.

Our weapons are our determination, our values and beliefs, our direction, our endurance, our drive, our voice.

Our supplies include our abilities to survive, our coping skills, our lessons, our wisdom, our love and trust for ourselves.

We all fight valiantly in our lives, for our lives. Some of us win, some of us lose, and some of us die trying. I’ve known many people who have lost their battles against addiction, eating disorders, mental illnesses, physical illnesses. We mourn them and miss them… but we also admire them. They fought long and hard and though they perhaps didn’t win, their battles inspire us to fight our own. They motivate us to stay alive and to live the lives they couldn’t. We honor them. We appreciate them. We remember them, today and every day.

Though Memorial Day means remembering something or someone that has passed, I think it’s also important to remember those who are still fighting, those soldiers who painstakingly face their enemies every minute of every day. They spend every day on the battlefield, their arms weary from holding their weapons ready, their bodies aching from the weight of their armor across their hearts. Fear and pain continue to permeate their lives. They are tired, they are sore, they are doubting their ability to keep going.

Every person is a soldier, no matter who their enemy is, no matter what their battle is for, no matter what uniform they wear, they all fight for one thing: to stay alive and to live a full life.

Today, we honor those who have died, those who have suffered, those who have lost everything.

We honor the soldiers.

We honor each other.

We honor ourselves.

Happy Memorial Day.